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1. "Would You Like to Read a Story About an Alien?"

 

If so, here you go; this is the ideal story for you. There’s a plum of an alien in it and let’s not waste any time; I’ll introduce him right away. His name is Chuck and he says hello: “Hello!” And waves. He’s a friendly extra-terrestrial, although he also has a dark side and occasional foul moods, so don’t grow concerned if you prefer aliens who are prone to violent rages. Chuck is an unpredictable bastard from an utterly alien planet, but also quite loveable and friendly and above all else an all-around classic example of his type. He’s rather a top-notch kind of alien, “grade A,” and you won’t find a better alien bloke in any other story ever written.

 

 All right, we have our subject so now he should do something cool, this being a story, and stories requiring some kind of action. OK, so. Chuck the friendly alien felt sad due to being trapped on Earth, and being so different from all the humans. He climbed to the top of a very steep cliff, and then he leapt off it.

 

 

 

2. “Would You Like to Read Another Story About Another Alien?”

 

If so, then waste no time; continue reading this sentence and then read the sentence right after that; you’ll find they’re chock-full of alien content. And this time I promise you that the story won’t be depressing; I’ll make it a happier piece to please and satisfy you. What’s more, the alien it concerns will be even better than before. Our late friend Chuck was a perfect alien indeed, but wait till you meet Foost; she’s even better. She’s stranger and from a more distant planet, but also quite friendly and happy to meet you and fond of singing alien songs that you will like, unless you happen to not like songs but who doesn’t like songs? And what is more, she’s just arrived all alone on the Earth and needs a friend. Will you be her friend? Of course you will, hooray; this is working out wonderfully, even better than I imagined. Foost made a great friend and got a good job and rented a beautiful apartment. The weekend came and she threw a big party and you attended and made more friends and then you were happy; you couldn’t remember a time in your life when you were happier.

 

 

 

3. “Are You Ready to Read a Story About Something Else?”

 

If so, I wouldn’t blame you; you’re obviously a discerning connoisseur of quality fiction. And one can read only so many stories about you-know-whats (those things I won’t name) before they start to wear out their welcome, just like anything else in this world. As such, a story, ideally, should feature different things, the more different, the better. Fried plantains. A rusted muffler. Contact paper. An aluminum can of grape soda that’s going flat.

 

Now some plot or event should make those different things interact. Let’s say a tornado wanders in and mixes those different items together. They swirl around and fly up into the sky, then crash to the ground and make a big mess. How’s that? Pretty good? Aren’t you having a wonderful time? Aren’t you enjoying this story that doesn’t feature or mention that thing that is this time totally absent?

 

And yet, at the very end of the story, an alien peeks its bulbous head in to say “Hello!” Aliens are duplicitous that way.